I get knocked down

Well, the flame is flickering and well and trully ready to go out. I'm contemplating walking away right now and leaving some money in the accounts for when I get a passion back, or just keep on grinding, and potentially lose it all donking off. In a way that would be the best option, because I really won't put money online for a while. Maybe I should just withdraw it now.

Going back a day, I logged my 5th 500 hand NL10 6 max session for the week (including Sunday I guess), and it was again a loser, making it 5 in a row. A small loser again, but certainly frustrating grinding against donks and losing night after night. I'm proably approaching it slightly wrong, as I really don't seem to get anywhere on any tables, even loosening up quite a bit.

So a little tilted, a little bored of the grind, I fired up some HU SNG's with the intention of playing them for a while. So not just to make up losses, but to actually potentially grind HU again. Well the first match was a win, and the 2nd I made every right move. Then with him grinded down to 600 chips, I got it in very good KQ vs K5 and he hit. He ran good then (as did I earlier of course) and I tried to hold on, and eventually after getting up and down again, got him down in chips, and again got it in good, AK vs T2 and he won, and took the chip lead. Coin flip later and he wins. Now I have to say this tilts me, but not in the way that I want to get it in with 72o every hand after, more in the way that I want to prove to these donks I'm better, so I won't accept a losing night. My luck went far south, my bankroll inhibitions faded, and I found myself playing $55 SNG's losing 3 in a row, and seriously thinking I played them near perfectly, losing every coin flip, or being sucked out on or coolered every time.

It's worth pointing out that at this time I had very little bankroll left. Stupid as it sounds, that's a good thing. When you have a bankroll, your tied to that somewhat. You want to preserve it, make it grow. It may be little to cling onto, but it's something chaining you to fundamental poker concepts and money management ones. Once thats gone, there are no fundamentals left, there is simply a question. How far do I follow this trail? I can get off here, and I think that's the standard line to take here. The effects are I've lost something I've worked for, and also a feeling of quitting something. I hate quitting something without achieving what I set out to do. It's not the end of poker indefinitely, but it's definitely serious mode off, maybe forever, maybe not. If I stand and fight, I stand to win a lot. I keep my skills going forward, I take pride in working for what I want and I stand and deliver. So what if I fail, I can honestly say if I stand and fight now, then I've given myself the chance to do something greater. It would be a huge acheivement to stand up and win from here, belted against the ground, little to nothing left in the tank, still step up Rocky style and take the belt. It would be something to behold, and realistically without anything to lose, why not try.

The only reason I can think off is self control. I think I have the poker skills, learning skills and tilt control skills to get back on the right trail, but I don't have self control right now. I want an instant bankroll, I don't want to grind. I can't imagine still grinding NL10 in January next year, it would kill me to think of all the work I'd have to do between now and then to keep playing solid poker night after night like that. So I'm left here unsure what to do about all of that. Hopefully it will come to me, but I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't. Nothing would surprise me now.